June 2006

I cry a fair bit for a man. Even in an age when at least in some arenas “grown men don’t cry� has given way to discovering their ‘feminine side’ as ‘new men’, I still cry I guess more than most. Yet only today did I cry for one of the most positive reasons.

In recent years I have cried in despair over pressure of academic work, or over pastoral responsibilities, I’ve cried in sorrow at the death of a sister (age 17) to cancer. I’ve cried at my inability to live to the probably too high expectations I’ve thought I should meet and set for myself in Christ, and recently I cried with laughter (that was a good one!). I cry each time I read ‘The Grey Havens’ chapter of Lord of the Rings, and I cry for joy seeing my children being born and growing. But not for years, until this morning, had I cried because I felt an overwhelming desire to live and act powerfully and radically for God and in and through God’s power. Many times I’ve said in prayer that I wanted such a thing, but it is one thing to say it, even say it with great conviction, but quite another to have it unexpectedly well up from within you and overflow as tears.

The catalyst for this was reading a section of Erwin McManus’ An Unstoppable Force. I’ve come to this book after a series of great books by other writers and God seems to be lifting me level by level into a whole new place/experience. I have spent about 6 years in a place of what has seemed like a personal and ministry spiritual desert, a drought with only the fewest oases here and there. This has been very tough, but God has his purposes. Yet where I’m at now feels more like I’m moving from a desert onto a path into a rain forest.

Not all tears are good; some are selfish, some are indulgent - but many are healing, or are a sign that something deep and significant is happening. My sense is that this latter kind of tears is what came upon me today, and to be honest, if that is the case, I hope I spend much of my future crying, but also out of that emotion, to be submitting myself to see those tears dried by the evidence of the Spirit at work in and through me.

Fiona (wife, confidante, blogger, God-lover, ‘good egg’ etc), said to me the other day that she doesn’t find the image of the christian life as a journey a particularly useful metaphor. I know what she means. R.L. Stevenson wrote:

“For my part I travel not to go anywhere, but to go. I travel for travel’s sake. The great affair is to move.” (Robert Louis Stevenson)

Stevenson wrote a book called Travels with a Donkey in which he describes a slow journey along a road in the mountains, stopping to sup wine, enjoy the sunshine, argue with hostile landlords and sleep under the stars. This seems a lost mode of travel, the kind of travelling for its own sake which these days is increasingly difficult to achieve in the age of easyJet and 5 lane motorways.

However, when it comes to the christian life, the things we experience which often lead to growth but by no means always do, are points we arrive at before our telos (end point/destination), but we also do a lot of repenting (literally ‘turning about’). It seems to me to be much less linear than what I think ‘journey’ seems to imply. There is a lot of wandering down paths to explore, turning and going back, changing direction, waiting. I think a better metaphor is being given the task of exploring a forest. Sometimes we come across shady glades with butterflies in sunlight, other times we stumble over fallen trees or get the sound of bears growling from the undergrowth. One path can lead to another, we might back track to go another way, but eventually our task is done and we know the place. Thoughts?
(And here is one I walked in earlier, for Fiona’s birthday!)

I wonder how you see Pentecost. My first view of it this year was celebrating communion on top of one of the largest hills around here. No visible tongues of flame, sadly, but a good feeling to be up in the air overlooking the sea with a ‘happy birthday church’ feeling in our hearts.

Then, when I came home, Emily my eldest (8 yrs old) gave me her picture of the first Pentecost. Thought you might like to see it. It is pretty much as I’d imagine it too!

A radio documentary broadcast last night reminded me of a service I organised in Liverpool in 1998 when we made good use of:

Primal Scream: Movin on Up and Come Together, both from Screamadelica.

If you don’t have this seminal album, do yourself a favour and go and buy it today!

Another batch of pieces I’ve used for worship which aren’t either by Christians or weren’t written for worship:

William Orbit, several tracks from Pieces in a Modern Style

Various, several tracks edited from Nordic Nights: Late Junction Compilation Vol.2

D.B.McGlynn ‘Let Go’ from To Hell with the Handkerchief

Gavin Bryars ‘Jesus’ blood never failed me yet’

More to come!